Can Sadness and Hope exist together?

Jeremiah 29:11-12 (New International Version) 
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 

My Confidence is in the Lord and His plans for me and my family.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 

Looking to Him to renew my spirit even when things seem dim. He never fails me every time I seek Him. 

1 Peter 1:3 (New International Version)
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 

He is my LIVING Hope, even when things seem dim, He gives me new Life...new reason...

Romans 5:5 (New International Version)
And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 

He loves me and does not disappoint. He loves my son and has poured out His love into him. 

So, yes, the answer is absolutely yes.... In my sadness, fear and weakness in our present situation, I have not just hope, but LIVING HOPE in a God who does not disappoint.

I am trusting in Him because He knows me and has plans for me and my family and those plans are meant to give us a future and a hope. So, I place our future in His hands.

So, tomorrow I leave for California with JC, but I won't be returning back home with him, at least not yet. This is probably the hardest, most heart-wrenching thing I've had to do as a mom.  I'm afraid, worried, so sad and yet hopeful at the same time.  My husband and I have decided to place JC in a therapeutic residential center to hopefully get him some help and to use the time away from him to strengthen and spend time our other two kids who have gotten used to life with a special needs brother. They are in need of some quality time with us and in order to keep them safe and healthy as well as get help for JC, the decision was made.  JC is now in the midst of puberty and hormones are raging and meds just aren't working as well as they used to. He is in need of continuous supervision and care and with the aggression and disrespectfulness turning to physical aggression towards me and the rest of the family and him getting bigger and stronger, we just didn't know what to do. He is really such a good kid with a kind heart and the want to do well, just the inability to follow through with that will. Makes me angry that there is not more information out there about alcohol and pregnancy! But that's a whole different discussion... Our decision has taken 4 months to make. Really it has taken so much longer, but the last four months have been more serious in the deciding factor. Much prayer, tears and indecision during that time along with JC's behavior ranging from good days to really really bad days led us to this present trial. 

My "flesh" cries out in anger, hurt, fear and sadness at the loss of my son (even for the 6 months to a year he will be gone) but my spirit is trusting and hoping in my Savior who has brought me to this point in my life. We feel failure because God placed this precious life in our hands to raise, He trusted us to be able to handle  and cope with whatever special needs JC brings and now we must relinquish and let go. I don't know how the Lord is going to work in this part of our feelings, but I do know that He sends His comforter and He knew the plans and future of our son and family before it happened.  Life in our house will be different and I will be praying that we will not feel guilt at the peace and "normalcy" we will have while JC is in another's care. I know we need this and he needs this and will pray for God's mercy and goodness during this time. Our circumstances may not change and JC may not be "healed" when he gets to return home, but I know that whatever may come, God is in it. He will provide whatever else is needed.... 

So, as you can see, I needed to make my blog private. I don't wish for my son to read these, nor for my other two children to feel as if they are all on display. But I do want to be used by the Lord for His good purpose and if this helps someone out there, then I want to press on.... I may not be very good with sharing my words and thoughts in person, but I know I have been given a gift to be able to share them in this way and that there is a purpose to it. 

Autumn Ramblings....

Autumn 

Well, Fall is definitely here and school's been in for quite some time. We had a two day break a couple weeks ago and went camping. Beautiful weather and everyone had a great time, even JC. Fishing, bike riding, trail hiking and the occasional deer spotting was fantastic, but for JC (and the rest of the boys) it was the big sawed off tree stump filled with random, miscellaneous bullets that held their attention that weekend. 

All day long, at least one of the boys would be swinging the axe trying to dislodge a bullet from the stump. I nick-named our weekend Rel"axe"ing Retreat, ha ha! It was a little annoying, especially to our neighbors around us, but it sure did keep those boys busy. It was a nice break from the last couple months of school. For JC, I wasn't sure how he would handle no routine again... especially since Devon had been working a job at night and couldn't come... and if the first day of packing everything up was to be my only indicator, then we probably would've stayed home - it was that difficult. Think: Temper Tantrum from a kid way taller and stronger than me!  However, God made grandparents strong and steady for a reason... at least I think He made my parents to be like that and our biggest support when it comes to the kids. "Pappie" came over and picked him up and he helped Pappie pack stuff for him and Grammie while the rest of us packed our stuff. It worked... and while the rest of the trip wasn't perfect (when is it, ha ha??) it was fun and oh, so so so much better than staying home. JC even stayed an extra night with Paps and Gram giving me and E and A some much needed respite time. 

So, this fall has brought some other changes too... we decided to start JC in individual counseling. I think it will be a good thing for him and he is old enough now to understand it all. Also, school has become increasingly more difficult for him (IEP meeting AGAIN this week). Its the pressures of trying to fit in, he's found himself a "girlfriend" and its high school - that in and of itself explains some of it. The "girlfriend" aspect has been a hinderance all by itself. JC still has impulsive issues and that didn't just stop because he's older and in high school now. He still bugs and touches the girls and annoys the boys, but he is also becoming more aware of them and their reactions and responses. This is good and bad. We will see what the school says this week... his grades also have gone down recently so we'll be looking into that as well. 

I personally, cannot wait for the time change coming in a week and a half. It is so dark when I take the kids to school in the morning. I know I'll hate it when it ends up being dark by 5:00 but right now, I'm looking forward to the lighter mornings... 

Well... hope the changes of Autumn leave you with warm thoughts! We'll need those warm thoughts here as we go thru the next few cold months... bundle up, grab your hot cider or hot cocoa, sit by the fire and read a new book :) Those are the things that keep me sane ;o) God Bless You and remember if my blog may benefit someone you know, please share it... I was thinking of making it private, but just can't bring myself to do that just yet. I can't help thinking that God has me writing for a reason and it would be missed if my blog were private. So, I will just ask you all to please keep the information as private as you can... Thanks!

Goodbye Summer, Hello HIGH School...

Goodbye Summer, Hello HIGH School...

Well, School has officially started and we will be entering our second week on Tuesday after having Labor Day off. The first part of summer was fantastic and then we got distracted from our goals when we went on vacation to California...but all in all.....a success!

The ending of summer still flew by rather quickly with only one major upset in August. JC was having major anxiety (combined with puberty and hormones - ugh!). We ended up at the hospital who would not take him!!! It's so crazy! We ended up with emergency anti-anxiety meds until we could see his regular psychiatrist who then prescribed buspar. Not so sure it's working even yet... so please be praying for us all. It is so hard to figure out what he is feeling or experiencing or needing since all his emotions come out in almost the same way. When he's happy, he usually takes it too far and gets goofy and impulsive. When he's sad, he is usually down on himself, hitting himself and taking out his sadness by being mean to himself and family. When he's angry, its the scariest.... he has been getting more and more physically aggressive and disrespectful. He is threatening and using his height to push his siblings and parents around. We have to be "on top of it" all the time which being a teenager, he definitely does NOT like! We just didn't know what he needed until we started to realize that school was upon us and then we knew... he was getting anxious for the new school year at a new school with bigger expectations, etc.

Even with all these changes and me wanting to be the mother bear, I have had to loosen up the "momma strings" and let him go more than I normally have. Both times this summer, I let him head off on his own at the water parks (of course he usually finds his way back to us fairly quickly) I have to remember that he is almost 15 and even though he doesn't usually act like a 15 year old, the world is going to treat him that way and I'd better prepare him for it. He started high school with a bang! He is riding his bike to and from school on his own. That is a major milestone for me (he he... not him, he's been ready for this for a long time, it's me!!)  I'm going to have to let him go and make big kid mistakes. I can only prepare him and let him know the consequences for those things so I will know I did my best with him and so he will hopefully be able to make wiser choices. He's got such a big heart and really wants to do good and well most of the time, but as he gets older the mistakes get costlier and not just for mom and dad, but for him.  

There's so many issues JC has to deal with and so as a family, there are so many we have to deal with on a daily basis that its hard to remember the positives sometimes. There are times when we just want to give up, but remember that God called us to a higher purpose.... and He loves us and wants us to succeed in raising JC and our other two kids. 

So, back to school... I can't believe JC's a freshman! I remember my high school years like they were yesterday :) I know, don't we all say that! But I do... and I just so hope for the best for him. It's been a strange "honeymoon period" of the first week of school - we had our meeting with the school at the end of May and were told he was going to be monitored at the high school with someone in every class like he was in middle school, just with different aides, not only one. As of yet, the aides are making themselves un-noticeable or they just aren't there??? I haven't called the school yet, because to be honest, I have been on pins and needles expecting a call from them. It never came last week! He made it through block schedule of high school on his own! What an accomplishment even if it is only for the honeymoon period (oh, you moms of kids like JC understand what I mean with honeymoon period right???) Block schedule still scares me and I wonder who came up with such a ridiculous idea. Most kids cannot fully focus and work for 90 minutes straight - even the so called "normal" kids... Maybe juniors and probably seniors, but really... freshman and sophomores??? Well, I have great hopes for JC's high school years and will be praying for him minute by minute as we go through this school year. I know he'll probably never be a doctor, but I also know he's a fighter and will hopefully want to be on his own enough to work at something hard enough to learn to be who God wants him to be and that is enough for me... my hope is in the Lord, maker of Heaven and earth! 

Jeremiah 29:11 (This is meant for all of God's people, not just the "normals" lol)
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

So, I know this was a little all over the place, but I guess that's just how its got to be :) Have a great school year!!! 

The whys, why nots and so whats!

Look at those CUTE kids! Love them!!

So, we finally after 10 years of multiple doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist and specialists visits have gotten JC tested by a Neuropsychologist! It was never covered under our insurance. Funny thing is, he was the second doctor to spend but 15 minutes with JC in the last 2 months and tell us he has FAE or ARND, just by looking at him and talking to him for 10-15 minutes!!!! WHY we are asking did nobody else ever tell us they thought this about our son?? We have spent so long wondering why none of the diagnosis' that JC's been labeled with don't ever seem to cover his whole self. They don't ever seem to fit him right. It's because once we looked at the "Alcohol related Disorders" ARND, FAE, FAS - it fit! It is frustrating that I, in all my research online and with doctors, failed to ever see this. I mean, we all knew that his biological mom probably drank and used drugs, we've always put that on all the billions of pages of paperwork we've filled out over the years, but still no one ever stated this diagnosis to us???? It is so evident now that JC suffers from most likely bipolar (or some other mental health mood disorder) AND FAE! and of course with that comes the ADHD that we've always dealt with. 


So, why?, this revelation may not change the course of medications or the way other people see him, but for us, as parents.... it is big. It has given us understanding in his abilities and disabilities. It has given us time to prepare for JC possibly never being able to live on his own, at least not without help. It has given us the opportunity to get more services to prepare him for getting a job and life skills he will need. We only have 4 more years to really prepare him for the real world... we want to do it right. We can't wait to put some of these services into place at school and home to see if JC's level of frustration goes down, and with that, maybe we'll get to see the real JC again. He's got such a great sense of humor and really loves animals and I am so hoping and praying that this side of him will show itself more, with less frustration and having more room for it in his daily living. 


Pre-Algebra , so what! My son NEEDS basic math skills repeated over and over again. Why is he in a pre-algebra class you ask? Because the school thinks its better for him BEHAVIORALLY (i.e. easier for them) because the other kids like him are not in this class, they are in the basic math class!!! Oh, and because they think JC is defiant about learning math. Ummm... now we have proof that no, he is not defiant about it, he just CAN'T do it. So, it frustrates him and leaves him with nothing at the end of the day because he's used up everything to try and process what we have all been pushing on him. So, in this way, I'm so glad to have gotten a diagnosis - it may be developmentally disabled, and people might judge him differently along the way... but at least he will get some more help! And us too!! 


Why  not give him what he needs rather than what society and schools and "supposed educators" think he should have so THEY look good. I want my son to have the good! Why not go up against those who think they know so much more about my son.... for this reason, I am thankful that God gave us the opportunity to get him tested again.


Well, sorry for the rant, but I am tired... so tired... of seeing the bad. It's time to start noticing the good!


By the way, here is a little snippet from a mom with a kid with FAE - I FEEL LIKE HER!!! This little part taken from some other interview with her, describes what I feel like a lot of days!!!



"People may not see FASD when they look at my son's face, but I see it. I see it in the way his eyes flash in anger when he is frustrated and I see it in the tears that pour down his face when he is trying so hard to understand his math problems. I see it in his blank stare when he shuts down after working so hard in school all day, a place that has labeled him as lazy and defiant, and I see it in his silly smile when he is being impulsive or inappropriately friendly with strangers.
"FASD is also visible on my face and on the faces of other moms and dads...it is spelled out in worry lines. For some it is in the tears that flow in overwhelming grief. These are the facial features of FASD that do not appear on the FAS diagrams. FASD is often called the invisible disability, but I see it everywhere I look...and it doesn't go away just because I close my eyes."
Kari Fletcher, Adoptive Mom to 2 children with FAS and advocate/trainer at MOFAS, the Minnesota Organization on Fetal Alcohol Syndromehttp://www.faslink.org/

Wow... summer has flown by this year!

     It has been a long long long time since I last wrote in this blog! It's always such a bummer when I think about how long its been. I always want to write and keep it up, but my energy level just hasn't been up to writing. I am working part time again this summer and then of course the ups and downs of living with a son with bipolar sometimes just drains me. However, I must say that this summer has been one of the best with JC. He has really been pretty stable. Not fantastic and nothing wrong, but at least we haven't had too many surprises :)
     Now its that time of year again that so many of parents of kids with special needs hate and love all at the same time. We love it, because it means routine, consistency, less sibling fighting, less tantrums, etc all day at home. We hate it because of the uncertainty of teachers, assistants, other kids at school, which class/classes they are going to end up in, how are they going to react to it all, etc. It is so hard for parents of children who do not have special needs to fully grasp and understand the difficulties and amount of strain these kids place on a family, but it also hard for them to get how much more we love these kids.  JC drives me absolutely crazy, bonkers and angry sometimes, but its during the times he does or says something uncharacteristically kind, warm and loving or hilariously funny that makes me realize how much I love this kid. JC does have a heart of gold that just gets so mixed up in the ups and downs of his illness. He takes so much longer to learn and internalize things that "normal (as if!)" people just "get" when they are told.
     Today we had friends come over for a kind of end of summer pool party at our neighborhood clubhouse. I would take a guess that most if not all of the parents who had kids coming today did not worry a single minute about how their kids would react to the pool and the other people there. For me, although I guess I hide it pretty well, I worried and thought and planned with JC a LOT about what to expect today. Not only did we have the pool party planned, but we had to go to 8th grade registration before the pool. Talk about a lot of stimulation being thrown in all in one morning!!! I was so pleased when the pool was pretty much empty or near empty (other than  us) almost the whole time we were there. More kids = more stimulation = more racing thought, racing heart and anxiety for JC. Its hard for him to know how to get the other kids to like him and want to play with him. It makes me sad for him to see how my other two kids easily just PLAY and chat and socialize without much effort and JC makes SO much effort, but just doesn't remember to use the lessons he's been taught to act the "right" way and make a friend. Anyways, I was happy that JC did remarkably well today given all that was going on in his young life for him. A couple minor incidences in the pool with others, but nothing major, no big blow ups and storming off towards home, no foul language... so I considered today quite a success for JC. And... I actually still feel pretty energetic :) Having good days is good for all of us.
     Well, another quick thought... JC wants to and we are allowing him, to play football for middle school this  year. I am a little concerned about the other "guys" and how they will react to him being on the team. He physically just doesn't have it in him to play football, but his desire and enthusiasm are really contagious. I hope they will encourage him so he keeps encouraging them instead of making fun and tearing him down. The coaches are and the others will be made aware of JC's bipolar and are in support of him playing this year as is his very involved principal, Mr. Wilhite. So, I guess I will just ask you to pray. Pray for me to not be anxious in JC's playing football and social graces as well as for JC to be able to get stronger and a little more sure of himself as he plays this year. GO HUSKIES!!!
Well, it's a long one, so I better sign off! Love to you all! Muah!

New DSM-V Diagnosis.... What is TDD ~ temper dysregulation disorder???

This new diagnosis for children just came out this year in the DSM-V... I am intrigued by this added diagnosis that the American Psychiatric Association has labeled as a brain or biological dysfunction. Here is what the symptoms are for TDD -

Temper Dysregulation Disorder: This proposed new disorder is seen as a brain or biological dysfunction, but not necessarily a lifelong condition. It can only be diagnosed in children over the age of 6, and onset must begin before a child is 10. 

The disorder is characterized by severe recurrent temper outbursts in response to common stressors. To have the disorder, the person has to have had these symptoms for at least 12 months, and cannot have been free of symptoms for more than three months at a time. 

• temper outbursts involving yelling or physical aggression
• overreacting to common stressors
• temper outbursts occurring on average three or more times a week
• nearly everyday the mood between temper outbursts is persistently negative.
• in the past year the patient has not had a period longer than a day of elevated or euphoric mood.

 I guess I am just wondering if those of you who know "JC" well, think this or the bipolar symptoms fit him better. The bipolar symptoms are -

Bipolar: Patients with bipolar have one or more manic episodes and often also experience major depressive episodes.

Manic episodes are when a person experiences an unusually euphoric or irritable mood that lasts for at least a week. During a manic episode a person may:

• have an inflated self-esteem that can reach delusional proportions
• feel full of energy and be more talkative than usual even while not needing much sleep
• do pleasurable things to excess, often with painful consequences, such as engaging in unrestrained shopping sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business involvements
• it's common during manic episodes for the person to alternate between euphoria and irritability.

Major depressive episodes are described as at least 2 weeks of depressed mood or loss of interest. The patient also shows additional symptoms:   trouble sleeping, lack of interest, feeling sad, hopeless or discouraged, decreased energy or sense of worthlessness and guilt, and difficulty concentrating.

This is what researchers are saying about giving children a diagnosis of bipolar....

"Research psychiatrists worried that the children were being given a label that wasn't right for them, and saddled with the sentence of a serious mental illness for the rest of their lives."  

I also wonder really whether it makes much of a difference in the treatment of either diagnosis. I'm sure that I would rather not have JC labeled with bipolar for the rest of his life if that is truly not a valid diagnosis for him, however, if not, what treatment are the psychiatrists and doctors going to change for a diagnosis of TDD????

It is a little scary I think, for some of us parents who have had our children labeled with this disorder and have tried so many different meds, therapy, counseling and whatever we can do help our kids. Now to think.... if his diagnosis is changed, will insurance cover his meds that truly are helping, will he still receive the help or will insurances decide it is a lesser diagnosis and these kids don't need all of that??? (Obviously they do....) I am hopeful and will be praying that maybe it will spark new interest in researching new treatments and modifications that will help kids like JC. I am interested in comments on this topic especially. I had just heard about this new diagnosis being added, so I am curious to hear feedback from "normal" (as if there is such a thing...) people as well as parents with kids of special needs, either on the autism spectrum or mental illness spectrum...... 

The link below is the article where I researched some of the info. above.... as well as others, but this is really helpful. Good to read, so click on it for more information....

 I found this information here....

On a separate side note.... JC is still on the intuniv. We have been slowly titrating him off of the depakote (I have never been at ease with this med!!!) The intuniv seems to be helping quite a bit in focusing at school, but is definitely making him sleepy even when he takes it during the day. We are hoping he gets used to it day by day and as the depakote is weened, that the full benefits will be seen. The intuniv so far is being given at night and strangely enough, he wakes up refreshed and awake, but mid morning wants to fall asleep and has done so in class a few times. Then around early afternoon, the same sleepiness occurs and he is "OUT", his teachers say. They do not think it is behavior driven, but medication driven. So..... while I so far like the intuniv's workability for school, I don't know if the sleepiness side effect of it will outweigh the benefits and make it not usable for JC, which would be such a bummer! Anyways, just thought I'd update anyone wanting to know about the new med. <3    <><   

Food and Mood

     So... Food and Mood. It plays such an important part in a typical person's life, what does it play in a bipolar child's life???? For JC, it is one of the MOST important parts! Not only does it affect him, it affects our whole family. When he says he's hungry, it's time to find some food immediately if we can. We are really working on trying to get him to eat better and less because JC's medication makes him lethargic and hungry.... not a good combination. While he certainly is not obese, he is a little overweight and much less strong than most kids his age.
      
     Yesterday, we spent the whole day at Roaring Springs (a local waterpark). It was a ton of family fun and JC behaved fairly well for most of the day save for a couple little things, no big deals, really. We had fun with him and he had fun with us (this doesn't happen as often as it should when we take JC with us on outings)!!! When it was time to go, there was little to no fight, of course he was "starving" (he had eaten breakfast, dinner and a snack already). Another great thing - no fight to leave!  My husband had to leave the water park an hour earlier to pick up his truck from the "tranny shop", so we decided to go to dinner out with his cousin and aunt who had come along for the day. We had to stop by and pick up my niece from Grammy who was at a near by fast food chinese restaurant first. JC got out of the car and wanted food. We were not eating there, my other son doesn't like it and neither do I really, so we had already decided we were not eating there. That fact didn't stop JC from starting to "fight" for his way. He was hungry and there was no stopping him. It didn't help that his cousin and aunt had decided they were tired and were just going to eat there, but we understood... and I almost thought it might be better to just go home at this point. When we got in the car, JC was throwing a big fit and kicking the backs of the seats and pounding his hands because we had decided not to eat there. I decided to just try and get dinner at the little "diner" in the same shopping center, which was our original plan. JC didn't like it, and declared that he was no longer hungry and would not be eating there. My other two kids and I ignored him and got out of the car and proceeded to walk into the restaurant. JC followed of course, but was not happy.  We were quickly seated, thankfully, and all of us but JC were checking our menus. JC decided to throw crayons (he is 12&1/2, mind you, and looks a bit bigger), crumple up his menu and begin to bug his sister sitting next to him. So, I quickly changed seats and tried to calm him down to look at his menu so he could make a selection. Instead of calming down, he got worse. I was embarrassed and many of the other people there were staring at us - I tried to tell him that to use that as a tool to help him stop the behavior, it didn't work. He was screaming and yelling because he was mad / out of control and I was trying to cover his mouth to keep him quiet. It just wasn't a good situation and at the same time I was looking for his "melt in your mouth" medication - found some... He kicked me under the table as I covered his mouth and told us all to "shut up" when I let go. I decided that we would just leave and grab McD's on the way home - my worst choice, but only choice I thought... when JC heard me tell the kids that, he perked up, looked at his menu and circled his choice?!?!?! Who knew????  I quickly gave him his medication while he would take it! He calmed down enough to tell the waitress (who wonderfully took it with calmness and no questioning of what had gone on) what he wanted and I just prayed the food would come fast! During this, I had made a quick call to Devon, my husband, to tell him what was going on and that we were going to try to stay. He was on his way back and decided to eat with us. JC's behavior went from HORRIBLE to better instantly when food hit his mouth. Devon didn't even experience the difference, just the better mood when he got there... 


     It is just amazing how much food affects his mood. He still wasn't in a great mood, but with a little food, he definitely got better. I must remember to carry healthy, low fat snack options in my car from now on. I don't want to "give in", but want our lives to not become at the will of JC. Anyways, we were all exhausted and went to bed within an hour of returning home from Roaring Springs with smiles on our faces!!! :) In the end, we all remembered the fun we had as a family all day, and as my middle one would say, "tomorrow's a new day" and in the words of JC "tomorrow's a start over"....

Football, Friends and every day life...

JC is doing better than to be expected on his football team. He is definitely causing some social issues to arise, but more occasional than I thought he would when we first signed him up. He has a wonderful, understanding coach who just keeps encouraging JC. JC likes him and seems to want to play "his position" well. He is very gentle with JC but expects him to complete the same things the team has to complete in training and during game time. Sometimes this frustrates JC, but most of the time, he seems to want to do it.

JC's friend who lives next to us, won't be going to his school this year. He changed to a smaller middle school and so JC is super disappointed. I am too. I was so glad that JC finally seems to have a friend. I am glad that at least they can hang out after school. Hopefully JC will find another friend like him, or not so much like him lol, this year. It takes a special, patient kid to be friends with kids like JC.

We still haven't been approved for the correct dosage of intuniv! That is frustrating. His psych is saying it has been approved, but the pharmacy can't get it to go thru. It has been a week!!! C'mon! Monday I will go down to pharmacy again to see what the problem is that we are getting two different answers. I am praying that it will help him socially and with us as parents most of all. School is starting soon and I am fearing how it is going to start out. I thank God that He is in control and has placed the right people to work with JC. Pray for us as we begin a new year, it is always tough during transition times...

Tonight was a difficult night getting JC ready for bed. It was earlier than normal because we have to be on the fields super early tomorrow morning for pictures and stuff. He was mad because he didn't get to go play with his friend after practice. That started a negative downward cycle. He seemed to get a bit better as he ate a small snack, took a shower and we prayed with the kids. Then, our middle son who sleeps in the same room, came out worried. JC had been saying mean things to him and he didn't want to sleep in there anymore with JC. JC of course, denied it and said that we all weren't real. We calmed him down as well as possible, talked to him about his behavior and prayed that they could both get to sleep as soon as possible with no further incidents. So far, so good...

We are looking into possible respite care for JC. We have not been able to find much info. here in our state about it. There doesn't seem to be many people who will do it and its difficult to find out how to go about it. We all need it though, including JC. If you think of us... pray that we would find someone qualified and willing, who would take him occasionally so we could have a break. Thanks...

Well, that's all for tonight. I am tired and have to wake up at around 5, so sleepy time for me.... G'night.

First Post... New Med... Hopefully new JC...

So.... a few online "friends" whose own children have mental disorders and JC's psych recommended using a blog / journal for therapy for myself :) I love to read, so I thought, well.... I guess I could write too. So this first blog may be a little long, sorry.

So here it goes! Life with JC - our 12 year old bipolar (finally dx'd at age 9), adhd, sensory integration disorder son.... it's been a wild ride so far and I'm trusting that it will continue to be for long time to come; which is why I am writing this blog.

A little history...

We fostered JC and his brother when JC was 2 years old. Adoption was finalized right before JC turned 3 (We adopted dd a few years later - the boys wanted a sister so bad back then!!!). JC and brother were both in a foster home prior to ours, but the parents were older and just couldn't take both boys and did not want to split them up. They were wonderful foster parents whom we included in the boys lives as much as possible when we lived in the same state. We still keep them updated on occasions and share Christmas cards and such. As for biological parents, we never met them, but heard and read some pretty harsh reports of what the boys went through prior to foster care as well as health histories on both father and mother. Biomother has a medically diagnosed behavioral disorder, was adopted herself as a child, and is self diagnosed bipolar (never medicated), which explains quite a bit about her behavior as a "mother".

After adoption, we continued to explore all options and diagnosis for JC. I know God has given us this child for a reason and we love him so much that we want the best possible for him!! He had already been kicked out of many daycares and proved to be too difficult for many babysitters and nannies the prior foster parents had tried. I decided to be a stay at home mom to provide some much needed stability and consistency. The prior foster parents had also tried to get him diagnosed through a psych dept. at UCLA. We continued with the assessments. He was dx'd only with PTSD with possibility of bipolar (yes, UCLA had already mentioned this at age 3!!!). As we continued on the path of diagnosis, we went through PTSD, Asperger's, RAD, PDD - NOS, sensory integration disorder, ADHD and finally to his main dx of bipolar.

We currently treat the two main concerns of ADHD and Bipolar. Since the stimulant meds for ADHD make our son extremely irritable (even more than usual!!) and have some psychotic episodes, we no longer medically treat this condition. He has taken many, many, many meds for bipolar. It has been a wild ride trying to get the medications straight. He was in a mental hospital for two weeks a few summers ago and that nearly made ME be admitted, lol!!! I have researched just about everything out there that seems to fit his behavior and follow several blogs and search up medications often. I am his strongest advocate and have chosen to do all I can to keep him out of the hospital ever again (I know that is probably not possible, but I do try)! Since he is almost a teenager, we are dealing with all the adolescent behaviors along with medication changes again due to weight, hormones, etc..... So...on to today!

Today, we went to the psych because she put him back on Depakote a few weeks ago. I don't think there has been any change or even worse in JC's behavior, my dh thinks there hasn't been any change, but that it is def. not worse, so that is the info. I shared with the psych. She is very open to my research and so this time, I brought up what I had heard about Saphris. He was currently taking 500mg. Depakote per day taken at night, 30 mg. Abilify taken in morning and 2mg. Risperdal (risperidone) Mtabs three times a day. So, she took him off the risperdal and gave us samples of Saphris to take 10 mg. twice a day. She recommended Intuniv if this doesn't work. So, I am going to have a tough 10 days before we see her again if this Saphris does not work. Plus, the Saphris is not covered by insurance due to it being a new drug and not approved for kids yet - it's like $200-300 per month!!!! YIKES! Psych can keep us with samples for awhile, but after that ???? So, I don't know if I'm hoping it works or doesn't work!! I've heard some great things about Intuniv too!!!

Since we just started the Depakote, psych wanted a full bloodwork panel done today. JC HATES getting blood drawn! We decided to try the small lab there at the office before heading to the hospital. JC has had to go to hospital many times before because he won't let them take it there at the office and the hospital has staff that holds him down (that's after I struggle and drag him out from under the chairs in the waiting area). I was praying the whole time.... still, JC didn't let them draw blood, he was hungry and irritable. So, the lab tech said to go have some lunch and then come back to try again (she was so wonderful and patient). We decided to try this since the hospital is so traumatic and my other two kiddos really didn't want to go with. After lunch, JC was much more agreeable and was brave and actually did it!!! I was so thankful and JC was proud of himself. It ended up being a positive experience and JC has been having a fairly good day today!

I will fill in some other points of our lives with JC - some of his behavior and actions towards family, siblings and others - in other blog postings so you can get an idea of how we function in all the madness :) on a regular basis.

Until then, remember Jesus loves You and will only give you as much as you can handle (with His strength and help of course!!!) I must rely on Him daily, hourly, minutely to guide me in our struggles with JC and the bipolar illness. I am so thankful for my husband and extended family who understand and try to support us as much as they can!!!

That's all for today folks,

Missy