Can Sadness and Hope exist together?

Jeremiah 29:11-12 (New International Version) 
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 

My Confidence is in the Lord and His plans for me and my family.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 

Looking to Him to renew my spirit even when things seem dim. He never fails me every time I seek Him. 

1 Peter 1:3 (New International Version)
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 

He is my LIVING Hope, even when things seem dim, He gives me new Life...new reason...

Romans 5:5 (New International Version)
And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 

He loves me and does not disappoint. He loves my son and has poured out His love into him. 

So, yes, the answer is absolutely yes.... In my sadness, fear and weakness in our present situation, I have not just hope, but LIVING HOPE in a God who does not disappoint.

I am trusting in Him because He knows me and has plans for me and my family and those plans are meant to give us a future and a hope. So, I place our future in His hands.

So, tomorrow I leave for California with JC, but I won't be returning back home with him, at least not yet. This is probably the hardest, most heart-wrenching thing I've had to do as a mom.  I'm afraid, worried, so sad and yet hopeful at the same time.  My husband and I have decided to place JC in a therapeutic residential center to hopefully get him some help and to use the time away from him to strengthen and spend time our other two kids who have gotten used to life with a special needs brother. They are in need of some quality time with us and in order to keep them safe and healthy as well as get help for JC, the decision was made.  JC is now in the midst of puberty and hormones are raging and meds just aren't working as well as they used to. He is in need of continuous supervision and care and with the aggression and disrespectfulness turning to physical aggression towards me and the rest of the family and him getting bigger and stronger, we just didn't know what to do. He is really such a good kid with a kind heart and the want to do well, just the inability to follow through with that will. Makes me angry that there is not more information out there about alcohol and pregnancy! But that's a whole different discussion... Our decision has taken 4 months to make. Really it has taken so much longer, but the last four months have been more serious in the deciding factor. Much prayer, tears and indecision during that time along with JC's behavior ranging from good days to really really bad days led us to this present trial. 

My "flesh" cries out in anger, hurt, fear and sadness at the loss of my son (even for the 6 months to a year he will be gone) but my spirit is trusting and hoping in my Savior who has brought me to this point in my life. We feel failure because God placed this precious life in our hands to raise, He trusted us to be able to handle  and cope with whatever special needs JC brings and now we must relinquish and let go. I don't know how the Lord is going to work in this part of our feelings, but I do know that He sends His comforter and He knew the plans and future of our son and family before it happened.  Life in our house will be different and I will be praying that we will not feel guilt at the peace and "normalcy" we will have while JC is in another's care. I know we need this and he needs this and will pray for God's mercy and goodness during this time. Our circumstances may not change and JC may not be "healed" when he gets to return home, but I know that whatever may come, God is in it. He will provide whatever else is needed.... 

So, as you can see, I needed to make my blog private. I don't wish for my son to read these, nor for my other two children to feel as if they are all on display. But I do want to be used by the Lord for His good purpose and if this helps someone out there, then I want to press on.... I may not be very good with sharing my words and thoughts in person, but I know I have been given a gift to be able to share them in this way and that there is a purpose to it. 

Goodbye Summer, Hello HIGH School...

Goodbye Summer, Hello HIGH School...

Well, School has officially started and we will be entering our second week on Tuesday after having Labor Day off. The first part of summer was fantastic and then we got distracted from our goals when we went on vacation to California...but all in all.....a success!

The ending of summer still flew by rather quickly with only one major upset in August. JC was having major anxiety (combined with puberty and hormones - ugh!). We ended up at the hospital who would not take him!!! It's so crazy! We ended up with emergency anti-anxiety meds until we could see his regular psychiatrist who then prescribed buspar. Not so sure it's working even yet... so please be praying for us all. It is so hard to figure out what he is feeling or experiencing or needing since all his emotions come out in almost the same way. When he's happy, he usually takes it too far and gets goofy and impulsive. When he's sad, he is usually down on himself, hitting himself and taking out his sadness by being mean to himself and family. When he's angry, its the scariest.... he has been getting more and more physically aggressive and disrespectful. He is threatening and using his height to push his siblings and parents around. We have to be "on top of it" all the time which being a teenager, he definitely does NOT like! We just didn't know what he needed until we started to realize that school was upon us and then we knew... he was getting anxious for the new school year at a new school with bigger expectations, etc.

Even with all these changes and me wanting to be the mother bear, I have had to loosen up the "momma strings" and let him go more than I normally have. Both times this summer, I let him head off on his own at the water parks (of course he usually finds his way back to us fairly quickly) I have to remember that he is almost 15 and even though he doesn't usually act like a 15 year old, the world is going to treat him that way and I'd better prepare him for it. He started high school with a bang! He is riding his bike to and from school on his own. That is a major milestone for me (he he... not him, he's been ready for this for a long time, it's me!!)  I'm going to have to let him go and make big kid mistakes. I can only prepare him and let him know the consequences for those things so I will know I did my best with him and so he will hopefully be able to make wiser choices. He's got such a big heart and really wants to do good and well most of the time, but as he gets older the mistakes get costlier and not just for mom and dad, but for him.  

There's so many issues JC has to deal with and so as a family, there are so many we have to deal with on a daily basis that its hard to remember the positives sometimes. There are times when we just want to give up, but remember that God called us to a higher purpose.... and He loves us and wants us to succeed in raising JC and our other two kids. 

So, back to school... I can't believe JC's a freshman! I remember my high school years like they were yesterday :) I know, don't we all say that! But I do... and I just so hope for the best for him. It's been a strange "honeymoon period" of the first week of school - we had our meeting with the school at the end of May and were told he was going to be monitored at the high school with someone in every class like he was in middle school, just with different aides, not only one. As of yet, the aides are making themselves un-noticeable or they just aren't there??? I haven't called the school yet, because to be honest, I have been on pins and needles expecting a call from them. It never came last week! He made it through block schedule of high school on his own! What an accomplishment even if it is only for the honeymoon period (oh, you moms of kids like JC understand what I mean with honeymoon period right???) Block schedule still scares me and I wonder who came up with such a ridiculous idea. Most kids cannot fully focus and work for 90 minutes straight - even the so called "normal" kids... Maybe juniors and probably seniors, but really... freshman and sophomores??? Well, I have great hopes for JC's high school years and will be praying for him minute by minute as we go through this school year. I know he'll probably never be a doctor, but I also know he's a fighter and will hopefully want to be on his own enough to work at something hard enough to learn to be who God wants him to be and that is enough for me... my hope is in the Lord, maker of Heaven and earth! 

Jeremiah 29:11 (This is meant for all of God's people, not just the "normals" lol)
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

So, I know this was a little all over the place, but I guess that's just how its got to be :) Have a great school year!!!